(originally posted to Myspace in 21 October 2007)
“I've never heard a guy say that before,” is a phrase I’ve heard many times in the past in various forms, most recently, in those exact words, twice the past month from two different women and in a paraphrase earlier in the evening the night I’m writing this, and likely will in the future.
The first of the above-mentioned recent times, and the paraphrase this evening, was in response me saying that I hated it when the talking in a relationship stopped once the fucking started, also in more or less those exact words. The second was after I said while some episodes of "Sex and the City" made my skin crawl, I enjoyed others; the writing is, after all, very good.
I once stunned several participants of a group in which I was a part preparing for confirmation in the Catholic Church (this was, naturally, before I was atheist), with the complaint that every girl I went out with wanted to have sex on the first date, which, of course, we then did. Except that wasn't really what bothered me, as I worked through my explanation of what I meant; what I meant was that talking and any other form of real communication stopped after that, even when I tried to keep it going.
When I first thought of writing this blog, before tonight's conversation on Yahoo Messenger, I was going to call it "Why I am not a cock-hound". Many of the guys who know me are amazed that I am not since I have no fear whatsoever of women and am certainly open enough about sex. And it sure as hell doesn't have anything to do with a lack of sex drive (another point I was questioned about tonight); I am probably far hornier than most guys, perhaps because I really appreciate women for being women, and as equals, sexually and otherwise.
I first came on the web in December 1999, and one of my first “hangouts” was a fetish chat room that now no longer exists. Everyone there used pseudonyms, as you can well imagine, and many of the women I chatted and struck up relationships with told me that at first they thought I was a female pretending to be a male because I actually "talked" to them and tried to get to know them instead of just coming on strong almost demanding to cyber-fuck. I got along great even with confirmed lesbians, and ended up doing a lot more cyber-fucking than those other guys.
Prior to entering university on my first collegiate endeavor, I had been in an environment in which guys and girls were more or less equal. The nature of the environment isn't important, just the equality in status. Once I entered a fraternity, however, I was exposed to how most guys view women, and I was ashamed. So ashamed, in fact, that I began to think that since I actually liked girls, and didn't simply just like to fuck them, that I might be gay.
And, don’t laugh, what stressed me out most about that was that if I were gay, I couldn't go out with girls anymore. Naw, it’s okay, go ahead and laugh. My best friend at the time did, right in my face.
No, the reason I’m not a cock-hound is that, like it says in my profile, to me a woman isn’t just something to fuck. I’m not putting down casual sex, one-night stands, or even promiscuity, all of which I have done my share, but in our culture the status of men and women as sexual beings is unequal. Gandhi once said, “Be the change you want to see in the world”. I’m not on a crusade; I’m just trying to be one tiny pebble tossed into a pond to send out ripples touching other ripples around me. It’s my own way of fighting the double-standard, just as, for instance, (former) adult film star Sasha Grey is fighting it in her way, and making rather entertaining and erotic porn, I must say.
Besides, there is actually such a thing as bad sex, and it is worse than no sex, contrary to what a lot of men, and some women, say. Just like there’s such a thing as being in a sexual relationship with no hope of making a real emotional connection but continuing out of loneliness, fear of loneliness, or simply not knowing or feeling able to do anything else.
There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship which makes you feel lonely; it hurts more and feels emptier than being lonely because you’re alone. There are few things more painful than looking into a lover’s eyes and seeing her hurt because she knows you two do not connect, that she can never make you really happy nor you her.
In addition to all of the above, I have to think about what I do will affect how my son, now 16 (at the time, 21 now), sees me, and not just me but women, and, more importantly, how he feels about himself. Like it also says on my profile (on Myspace), being a good father is the most important thing in my life.