Bisexuality is not a point on a spectrum that has
heterosexuality on one end and homosexuality at the other. It’s more like the flip-side of a coin with monosexuality
on its reverse. Monosexuality includes
both of those other sexual orientations, heterosexuality and homosexuality, that
in truth have more in common with each other than either do with bisexuality. Yes, heterosexuals who only have sexual
attraction toward the individuals of the opposite sex and homosexuals who only
have sexual attraction toward individuals of the same sex share many
characteristics, but less so in both cases with bisexuals.
The idea of bisexuals flitting back and forth between
partners of both sexes is, in virtually all cases, a myth. The overwhelming majority of bisexuals, male
and female, are predominantly either mostly androphiliac (attracted to men) or mostly
gynephiliac (attracted to women).
Bisexuals such as Freddie Mercury who alternate with ease across the
gender lines, true biphiliacs, are a rare exception. In Freddie’s case, he had more opportunity.
Although sexual attraction may be slightly influenced by
culture, society, and advertising, sexual attraction itself occurs due to
biochemical physiology that is beyond the control of the individual caught in its
throws. This is true whether you’re
straight, gay, or bi. For bisexuals
either predominantly gynephiliac or androphiliac, an intense attraction toward
someone of the other gender often comes by surprise and sometimes at the most
inconvenient of times. I’ve known I’m
bisexual at least since I was fifteen years old. But I lean so heavily gynephiliac that it
makes that easy to forget frequently, believe it or not.
Bisexuality is misunderstood and often ridiculed not only
among straights but among gays (male and female) as well. Many straights thinks of us as crypto-gays
and many gays think of us as cowards passing as wannabe-straights the way many
light-skinned blacks once often passed as white to avoid legal or extralegal
discrimination, and as some still do. If
it were a choice, I would choose to be monosexual of either variety, straight
or gay. But it’s not.
When I first became aware of my occasional sexual attraction
toward males at fifteen, I was really confused because, like most adolescents (and
adults), I was caught up in the dichotomy of straight versus gay and had not
ceased being intensely attracted to girls and women (still haven’t, in case
you’re wondering), so I was just confused and decided to put off dealing with
it till later. As if normal teenage
angst weren’t enough to worry about.
Fortunately at the time, I was just getting involved in the
youth activities of the Episcopal Church’s Diocese of Tennessee. We had a very active chapter at our parish
and I got very involved at the diocesan level also. The atmosphere was very open and egalitarian
and non-judgmental. Boys and girls were
equal, no one was bullied, outsiders were accepted as they came, and if they
chose to remain the same, still accepted.
Outside of official activities, we smoked, drank, toked, and had sex
like any other teenage group.
Then came university, where I joined a fraternity. The culture of the Greek system was radically
different, more traditional, with rigidly defined roles. The second-class status to which women were
relegated within the system overall disturbed me. I felt like there was something wrong with me
because I actually liked women. Saw them as something other than to fuck or
help out with bake sales. To be fair,
not all frat guys are like that, but, at least at the time, that view
dominated. And nearly all the Greek
women, sorority girls and fraternity little sisters, accepted their role as
second-class members of Greek society.
I should note, by the way,
that I’m talking about “Greek” as in the collegiate fraternities and
sororities in Neverland that identify themselves with Greek letters. Like Delta Tau Xi in the 1978 movie Animal House, only with better grades
(usually) and not as much fun (usually).
Absolutely no relation to the country of Greece.
To add to my sense of psychological dislocation, those
drives I’d first experienced in adolescence burst forth shouting to be
heard. They weren’t in response to any
one person in particular, and may have risen because of the repressive nature
of the Greek subculture. The fact that I
also became even more attracted towards women made it even worse.
Things reached a crisis point spring semester that year,
after the expectation of being an associate member had ended and initiation
finished. I underwent severe emotional
turmoil and would have killed myself were it not for my best friend in the
fraternity. Even though I was still
attracted to women, those other feelings made me afraid I was gay. I almost killed myself because if I were gay
I couldn’t go out with women anymore.
Yes, I know how stupid that sounds. When I told that to my friend at the time, he
laughed his ass off, and after being offended for a moment, I started laughing
too.
I made it through university in four years, though I ceased
being active in the fraternity after my sophomore year. Six months after graduating, I enlisted in
the Navy the very day the USS Challenger
blew up shortly after take-off.
When I got to my duty-station in the Philippines, I began
having lots of casual sex with lots of women with whom I had little emotional
connection and those bi urges appeared again.
I never followed through on them due to the military prohibition against
same-sex sex at the time, but the more random fucking I did, the stronger they
got.
During the NIS investigation of me on suspicion of
espionage, one of the issues was whether or not I was homosexual or had any
sexual experiences with other males.
Lengthy sessions with the base psychologist and a battery of
psychological tests showed I wasn’t, and the polygraph didn’t even blink when
the question came up. When my CO was
explaining why he was going to classify me RE-4, barring me from re-enlisting,
on the grounds that I was gay, I opened my mouth to object, but then he added,
“or bisexual”, and I couldn’t say anything, because I knew that was true.
By that time, I was dating the woman who would become my
second fiancée, whom I later married. I
never got those other urges with either her or my previous fiancée. Nor, I should add, during my relationship
with my girlfriend in Paris.
My ex-wife and divorced six years later, and after lots more
random fucking, sometimes even with married women, I quit having sex. About a year later, in my mid-30s, I finally
tried sex with men, a few times anyway.
Maybe it was because the sex was casual, but emotionally I felt
nothing. That doesn’t mean I got no
physical pleasure from it; I did. But I
knew that continuing to have sex with other guys knowing that I could never
have the kind of emotional connection that I could achieve with a woman was not
good for me and unfair to them. Of
course, looking back on my life, I’ve also worried about being able to have a
quality emotional connection with a woman too.
So, I’m bisexual. But
I’m also monogamous. I will not get
involved sexually with anyone with whom I do not have a solid connection emotionally,
spiritually, and intellectually as well as physically. If that were to happen with a man, it would
be by accident over a long period of time, but then that would probably be the
same case with a woman (isn’t falling in love always an accident?). This is the case, I believe, with most
bisexuals, at least after they have adjusted to what they have either discovered
or can no longer deny about themselves.
For me, that has to be the case, because without an intense
emotional connection, the alternative for me—casual sex with many people of
both genders—is not something the structure of our societies or the emotional
make-up of most of us humans is ready for.
In truth, labels such as “heterosexual”, “homosexual”,
“bisexual”, “androphiliac”, “gynephiliac”, etc., should be stricken from our
language. Labels are not about accuracy,
they’re about definition, and definition in this case is about limitations and
control, or rather hate, just as much as it is in the case of defining God,
where the first step in trying to dominate God is belief.
If someone is anti-gay, anti-lesbian, anti-bi, even
anti-straight, what you are really is anti-human, and as a human, I object to
that, no matter how human your anti-human feeling is. If someone has found another human to share
their life with, ideally for a lifetime but in the absence of the ideal at
least for a long time, who the hell is anyone outside of that relationship to
do anything but be happy for and envy them?
Certainly not I.
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