I first saw this years--decades--ago when my Jewish godmother (she and her husband ate kosher bacon and he attended Midnight Mass every Christmas) sent it to my mother one Advent when I was studying political science at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga.
There are 12 days of Christmas, by the way, the season beginning Christmas Day (nightfall at Christmas Eve if you want to get liturgical about it) and stretching through the evening before (Western) Epiphany on 6 January, which was once a really big deal itself, celebrated as Twelfth Night.
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 25, 1986
My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear tree." What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. You're an angel.
With all my love and devotion,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 26, 1986
Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle doves." I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.
All my love,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 27, 1986
Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity as "Three French hens." They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 28, 1986
Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds." Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 29, 1986
Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 30, 1986
Dear Fred,
I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but -
Please Stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 31, 1986
Fred,
What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans a swimming." What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with those fucking birds, OK?????
Sincerely,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Jan. 1, 1987
OK Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight maids a milking??" It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Jan. 2, 1987
Hey Shithead,
What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
You'll get yours, bastard,
Agnes
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Jan. 3, 1987
You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing??" I can't imagine why I call these sluts "ladies." They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
One who means it!!!
*****
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.Beaver Valley, CO
Jan. 4, 1987
Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23 birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
I hate your guts, dumbshit,
Agnes
*****
Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
5 January 1987
5 January 1987
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Season's Greetings,
J. Frank Cahole Attorney
*****
If you think 12 days is long, think of the 40 that at times and in certain places the Christmas season continued all the way to Candlemas on 2 February, aka The Feast of the Purification (of the "Blessed Virgin Mary") and the Presentation (of "our Lord" in the Temple).
I wonder what shape Agnes would have been in after 40 days.
*****
