(My Jewish godmother, who used to eat kosher bacon, sent this to us when I was in university.)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Leave out the olive.
2. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
3. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
4. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
5. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
6. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
7. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
8. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and the disciples as J.C. and the boys.
9. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
10. God tested the Israelites in the desert, he did not tease them.
11. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
12. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, not stoned off his ass.
13. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
14. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
15. We refer to our Lord's mother as the Blessed Virgin Mary, not "Mary with the Cherry".
16. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
17. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.